The first one...

The first memory I have is sitting on my grandma's back steps in Texas. I clearly remember wearing a blue and white checkered dress and diaper. I must have been about 2 or 3 at the time. My family, including neighbors I didn't know, were sitting under the homemade red gazebo. It had 5 or 6 porch swings on it with the top covered in grape vines. It wasn't a fancy backyard, mostly including home made outdoor items and a tire swing.


The feeling I remember is that my father was spitting mad at me. It was because I wouldn't leave the porch and go sit with every one. I was very shy. I can remember being extremely scared. Scared of the spanking that would ensue if I didn't listen to him. Scared of the people I didn't know. I felt safe on the steps...just far enough away from everyone but close enough that if I did get spanked that everyone would see it.


These memories that I will share will undoubtedly be hard for me to put into words. But in order for me to get over them. After 40 years, this memory still makes me feel uncomfortable.